The Moulin Rouge Maul
by Ella O'hara
Summary: a parody of the movie. I'm the idiot who wrote THE POTO PARODIES, and i've never tried this category before. I may deserve it, but don't hurt me! :
1. Chapter 1

If any of you have read my other parody, please excuse the following text if you hate my guts for the jokes I made about POTO. They just set_ themselves _up.

And now, if you haven't escaped by clicking back soon enough,

**The Moulin Rouge Maul**

What, you expected a wittier name from the likes of ME?

Oh well, the show must go on. Cough cough.

_Ze story begins in some gross little apartment. Christian looks like he got hit by a bus._

Christian: This is my story of love, of the Moulin Rouge. It was some creepy nightclub, with a repulsive little owner named Harold Ziddler. The place was a nightmare with a windmill, but I liked it. ANYHOO, on with the story. I can't stand these long, drawn-out monologues, but I do seem to do that a lot, don't I?

_We suddenly flash back to a year ago. All tough guys in the audience leave after hearing the word "love" no less than thirty times in the first five minutes._

Christian: I came to Paris after I got fired from my job at the pencil factory. My boss said I just didn't have the kind of intellect for the job, and suggested I try becoming one of those lazy-ass artists who support the Bohemian revolution simply by growing a beard and wearing a beret. Sounded good, no?

Landlord: Here's your, room, sir. You must be from London!

Christian: Why, yes! Can you tell by my accent or my poor French?

Landlord: No! It was your teeth that gave you away! They're greener than the German countryside!

_Christian skips into his room. Landlord slams door behind him._

Christian: Love, love, love, love! I've got so much love I could be a telletubby!

Tinky-winky: Oh, S.

_Christian plops down at his typewriter_

Christian: Wait, I've never been in love! How can I expect to write about it?

_Unconscious Argentinean falls through ceiling. Audience rolls their eyes at the razor-thin plot twist._

Christian: Oh, look, a distraction!

Little midget: Ohhhhh. And he could have fallen right on you. Mumble. Hey, we need another warm body in our play, cuz our furnace blew out.

Christian: Hmmm. Sounds artsy!

Five minutes later, boobah and company are practicing their crappy play.

Jane: THE MOUNTAINS, THEY SING TO ME! AND THEY TELL ME HOW GODDAMN UGLY ALL OF YOU ARE!

Guy taking up space: I'm not sure if that will really speak to the audience. Any suggestions from the peanut gallery?

Christian: The hills are alive with the sound of music!

Group: Gasp! There is a true revolutionary with an ounce of sense in his head!

Christian: with songs they have sung for a thousand years!

Group: ooh la la! He should write the play!

Jane: Excuze moi? You no think mah art is good?

_Awkward silence._

_Jane leaves in a hissy fit_

Guy taking up space: Don't mind him. He's PMSing.

Christian: Right then. I have to run, I'm expecting a fax from Crest. They want me for a "before" picture!

Group: Wait! Now that you're a true revoulutionary writer, here's your kit!

_Gives Christian a box_

Christian: Let's see, one tube of fire-engine red lipstick, one pair of size 11 stilettos, fake eyelashes, a cattle prod, and a bottle of… what the hell is this?

Group: The green fairy surprise! It goes great after a few strawberry margaritas.

Christian: you guys seem awfully relaxed about your…confusion.

Guy taking up space: Confusion? What's to be confused about? I drink drink, I pass out. No confusion.

Christian: That's not exactly what I meant, but I'll let it go. Gimmie the green fairy stuff!

Gulp.

Gulp.

Gulp.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!1

Guy taking up space: What? What's different? _She's_ always here.

Green fairy: To tell the truth, you're driving me nuts now. Lay off and do something original for once.

Guy taking up space: It must be the juice talkin'

Group: Before you start seeing rainbows, we have something to tell you. You have an appointment at the Moulin Rouge tomorrow. The owner wants to hear some of your work!

Christian: Alrighty then. Y'know, I've never seen such an unusually sized emu such as yourself before!

Guy taking up space: Yep, let's call it a night. Tuck in good sirs!

Green Fairy: What a sorry bunch of losers.

Alright, first chapter in the hole. Hate it or vaguely like it, let me know. Btw, if you want to be helpful, let me know what the name of that foul drink they like and the name of his weird friend with the funny accent. Pleez! You guys rock!


	2. Chapter 2

Well, that disproves her theory. My cousin told me that the MR bunch wasn't into the comedy, but here we are. I like depressing-as-crap stuff just as much as the next drama queen, but hey, what are ya going to do?

Ch. 2: Wow, these people are stupid

_Gaggle of idiots walks into the nightclub_

Guy taking up space hey, I do like that better: Dude, I can't feel my feet.

Christian: That's cuz the Argentinean fell asleep on your feet. Kick him in the teeth. Always woke me sister up!

Guy taking up space: You never mentioned your sister. How come?

Christian: She croaked due to extensive trauma to the head. Can't imagine why.

Guy Taking up space: Nah, I'll just leave him for the mall rats. They'll drag him into the alley and steal his pants, but at least he won't get trampled by the dancers.

_Greaseball mall rats drag Argentinean away_

Other friend: Shut your faces. The show is starting!

Annoying voiceover: Ziddler called them his "diamond dogs". The "dogs" part I understand perfectly, but I wonder why he put diamonds in the title when the closest thing to a diamond any of them had seen was a broken piece of glass in the gutter!

Dogs: Gittchy Gittchy ya ya ta ta! Voolay Voo coo shay ah ya ses swah!

_Christian pulls out his Pig Latin dictionary_

Christian: I had no idea burlesque had so much mental strain involved.

Ushers in the Audience: It is highly recommended that you all take your breaks now. This part plays out like a drunken nightmare.

_Audience agrees and scampers off to the can. _

_Show progresses_

Guy taking up space: I don't know if it's the booze talking, but this bitch won't leave me alone!

Green Fairy: It's always about you and never about me! Work, bars, blah blah blah! You just can't commit! Why do you run off with these morons every night when ….

Guy taking up space: Man, you have no idea.

Group: Lay off the absinthe and she'll hit the road in no time

_Show like goes on forever_

Phantom of the Opera: Dude, if this is supposed to be culture, then I don't wanna be French anymore _Storms Away_

Everybody: I'm sick of dancing. Let's all look at the shiny distraction above!

_Satine comes down on the swing_

Satine: Diamonds are a girl's best friend, so fork 'em over, dillhole!

Christian: Wow, she's divine!

Audience: More singing? What were these producers smoking?

Ziddler: Satine, you have to hook up with the duke after the show. Don't ask why. All I'm saying is that he'll take what he can get, take it from me. _Shudders_

Satine: You poor ugly baby. Which one is he?

Ziddler: He's the one that's kicking Toulouse's ass for stepping on his foot.

_Christian just happens to trip over the misfortunate midge, who happens to already be having his ass kicked already._

Satine: The little guy's being ganged up on. Which one is the duke?

Ziddler: The one with the awful teeth. My god you're stupid.

_Satine just sees Christian and decides he's the duke._

Satine: Gotcha. You owe me BIG for this one, Zid.

Ziddler: will do. No get ho-ing, girl!

_Audience groans at the second razor-thin plot twist in minutes._

_Victor Hugo and Gaston Leroux start weeping after watching the scene._


End file.
